I had sworn to myself I would never do that. I had thought about it for so long. I knew it would be the wrong thing to do. I thought I was grown up enough, I thought life would have taught me enough. And I so wanted to keep the illusion that perfection could be. I wanted to keep thinking that what could have been would have been perfect.
I knew it would be the wrong thing. I had sworn. But I'm myself. If I've learnt anything from my 50 years on Earth, it's to be bold. To dare. I don't have many regrets, but the ones I have are massive. Huge rocks fallen on the road.
So maybe after all it was time and I just felt it. Got an opportunity of blowing one rock up. And I did it. I was pretty sure no one was there anyway. It was a reassuring thought that I would limit any possible damage. And I was wrong. Somehow you were there. And a few words caught me unprepared. Even if I had handled this scenario a million times in my head. I would never have imagined the line between my dreams and reality could be so thin.
There has been a few days and nights of fever. An obsession so full of life and energy that I felt dizzy. People would talk to me and I wouldn't hear a word. I was cloud connected to the point that my feet were not touching the ground anymore...
And then you gave me what I needed. Out of the blue _ probably the navy blue I used to identify you with.
Closure.
I don't feel like translating this term into French. The whole concept is perfectly wrapped in those few letters... No, it will definitely have to stay "as is", even if it means I now have to write to you in English.
Closure.
This is something I had not expected or imagined. You closed the book. But it didn't hurt. How strange... Somehow, you opened the cage in which my heart was trapped. Gave me closure.
I haven't dreamt of you since. Maybe I will never again. I feel at peace. I don't think I will thank you in any other way than through this letter.
But I thank you anyway. This is the end I couldn't have found myself. It won't be one more sour regret, not another ghost. It is just a story with an end perfectly fitting.
I will keep listening to "Stay Together" and "Love is Blindness" whenever I need to live again those moments about you, only you... Wrapping the night around me. But I know now it will be behind me for good.
The cold in November will never feel the same either... Nor the darkness of a Saturday evening in winter.
For several years now I've been listening to another song that leads me to you inevitably: "When Our Day Is Through" by Quorthon. I don't know why. Maybe because it's all there and it sounds like this unthinkable moment when the sun comes out at the end of a stormy day. Makes the wet pavement shine and washes off the sky...
It's just all there.
I'm glad I did what I should not have done. As deep inside I needed closure more than anything else, my Dark Star...